Threshold

Whether to come clean or hold my tongue

As I stand between the two worlds – the one I live and the one I could live – I sum up which one is more rewarding, which one will work? I don’t know where I stand anymore. I feel I have distanced myself from the possible life to long that it is no longer achievable.

Who will I hurt on either side? Hurt is inevitable. As much as I regret this sad reality; I know it is true. Does happiness exist anymore? Is this the stage of life everyone must endure: the pursuit of happiness?

“If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived It To The Fullest

If I Fall If I Die Know I Lived And Missed Some Bullets

I’m On The Pursuit Of Happiness And I Know
Everything That Shines Ain’t Always Gonna Be Gold

I’ll Be Fine Once I Get It; I’ll Be Good”
- Kid Cudi

So I know it’s not going to be easy and it will be risky. Either way it will be worth it.

For now I sit, on the threshold, awaiting a light breeze that may sway my weight either way. I don’t have control of my future now. My future I leave in the hands of fate.

Respect and Spirit

I know I’m not the most recurrent, which shows as this post is about ANZAC Day
Yes I know a bit late but here goes…

I am quite inspired by the generosity of those who have sacrificed their lives, at times more, for their country. It is their loyalty and pride in their nation which I believe everyone should possess. I wish I had the courage to risk it all; my life; my future; my family for something much bigger than myself: A beautiful, fostering, nurturing nation.

I know a footy club can’t compare to the heroics of the ANZACs but we drew inspiration from the soldiers who died to allow us to play footy, in freedom and harmony. Last weekend as we stood arm in arm as the last post rang in our ears, as the Australian flag rose to the sound of the familiar anthem, I was inspired by the ANZAC’s courage to put their body on the line and be there for your mates when they need help. I think the spirit of the ANZACs pulled us through our match.

“Respect and Spirit” echoed through our heads as we paid tribute to the fallen soldiers.

Next day and the true ANZAC spirit was evident. As the sun rose on the water, the kookaburras cooed in the trees, and the respectful silence which succeeded it, made us remember the freedom we earned when our brave soldiers fought.

Marching down the main street behind the horses, the band, the soldiers and the veterans I spied a ‘No U-turn’ sign in the middle of the road. These soldiers – younger than myself – signed up to see the world. They truly couldn’t turn back from there. They were conscripted to fight a no win battle. But they did fight and they did not give up…

And for that I salute you..

To the fallen soldiers and those who continue to protect Australia today

Mistakes

Ever made a mistake? One so bad you don’t think you would ever be able to make it up? One you may not even have known you made for months, years after it happened? One you still may not have known you have made – but the overwhelming “What if..?” makes you contemplate the mistakes existence?

I have.

I don’t really know how to classify it. Is it more so regret or a question of if I am better off now?

I hate what I did, the people I hurt. It was never my intention to do this to my friends; those so dear to me. I guess I have to live with it.

I can never expect to be forgiven for what I did. As much as I want to take things back it can never happen due to my previous idiocy. How could I expect to be forgiven? I don’t deserve to live in innocence after this.

As previously stated the “What if..?” rhetorical taunts me continuously. What if I had not been a selfish prick and shut my mouth; protected my friends and hidden in the shadows; never to allow myself to make such a fool of myself and others.

The regret continues today; yet can I really replace the coincidental good times I have had as a result. But could they have been better? Did I make the right decision?

P's

:) yay green P's
yes it did take me two attempts but I've got them now atleast

But unfortunately the God of the roads seemed to be against me. As my lead foot urged its way towards the road to reach the earnt 100km/h limit, a bloody car has to drive 90km/h the WHOLE way home. Thanks Road God!! I've been able to go that speed for the last year!!

Nevermind, today's a new day.
What's that Road God, another slow car; how dare thee
Aha! I match your stubborness and raise you the road laws! Ofcoarse, how could you be so ignorant Road God? Your own rules trump you. I have the ability to legally overtake that slow driver :)

Then...

100km/h

Shut up, i know it's only 10km/h more but its a freedom, a symbol of my coming of age. And the speed does feel good :)

Eat my dust 17! I'll see you 10km down the road in an hour :O

Procrastinating

Today - how very eventful

Mostly comprising of television and birdwatching. I've sat on facebook and i went to work for a little while. All in all nothing productive.

Second last day of the holidays and I have plenty of work i should have - and must have - completed by the end of the holidays. Well done James one day to go. My forecast for tomorrow? Much the same as today with an increased chance of TV and an afternoon accompanyment with zero chance of homework until my arse gets kicked at school. Mm procrastination - that's going to get me very far indeed.

How I wish I could meet up with friends today. Unfortunately 'it' always stands in the way. I wonder if there's a way to make 'it' become extinct??

It's funny that by this stage in our lives we are expected to know our dreams; know what we want to do with our lives. If anyone knows me vaguely they'll know I have never truly found this inspiration. I jump around alot - i think I've contemplated a career in every sector of the workforce: pilot, chef, surgeon - but I can thank my tremendous procrastination and its associated television addiction to my latest career path...

I have fallen in love with Mythbusters! And now I think I might become an engineer. Let's see how long this one lasts ay :)

mm bored

i hope everybody enjoyed their holidays and used them productively :)

Masks

I am quite fascinated by a friend's preoccupation with masks. I know it sounds nerdy but this fascination forces me to allude to Hamlet "God hath given you one face and you go and make yourself another." What we see is not essentially who we are; unfortunate as it may seem.

Although in an ideal world, a utopia, everyone should act and seem as is true; does this revelation ever occur? I doubt it. I think I could name two of my friends whom I consider truly genuine. They may not be content with who they or what they are doing at this present time but they do not try and hide themselves with a separate facade. I wish I too was that strong. I believe, at times, I wear a mask and only ever reveal snippets of what lies beneath to those whom I truly trust and love. I am not proud of my mask and I don't know if anyone is.

Whether one's mask is physical or mental - is it healthy to withold what is true to oneself?

I read a beautiful message that went along the lines that one's thoughts always makes them beautiful, regardless of the flaws in their physicl appearence. If they have beautiful thoughts that is what people see. My first thought...? BULLSHIT! Then i continued to contemplate how shocking it is that I react that way. Am I that shallow or is it just how i perceive our cruel society? To observe the bullying at school, on the internet - over the most irrelevent and childish issues - is a disgrace to mankind. (I was going to write a pun on the irony of the word 'mankind' after that statement but does it not speak for itself?)

Listening to Muse this morning I heard the most perfect example of what I am trying to communicate here. In their song, my favourite song from their recent album, Undisclosed Desires came the message "I want to recognise your beauty is not just a mask" Here here Matt Bellamy! He visualises a utopia which I unfortunately believe is becoming extinct. Depressing isn't it?! As personalities are further feigned what hope do we have left? I for one hope I can find one of the few genuine ones. One I can trust and believe is true. If I can't find someone who is true to both herself and me; what is the point?

I have been fortunate enough to play football with senior players which instills me with consolation confidence. They are fun blokes but they don't judgee. They are supported and respectful. How I wish we learn this valuable lesson before we become adults. Really if footballers can be respectful how hard can it be?

To conclude i will once more like to quote Hamlet. The second most famous quote, behind only the cliche 'To be or not to be..'; "To thine own self be true." The most profound quote from the most foolish character, Polonious. I prefer this quote because in my mind it is as true today as it was when young William Shakespeare originally wrote it.

So, if you are to learn anything from this post, learn from history;

To thine own self be true

Why?

I would like to start out by saying I don't care if you do or do not like my blog. If you don't like it, here's a hint for you: don't read on. I am not writing this blog for an audience but more so for me to collect and distill my thoughts.

I have put off writing a blog before this date purely because i never valued my thoughts enough to expect anyone to ever respect them or even want to know them. If I was not me I would not even want to read this blog.

But before i put you off any further, and with Chipper on my shoulder throughout this journey i shall embark on my blog. Unfortunately, like life, by subscribing to this blog i have become 'caught in the crowd.'